A list of indicators that I party too hard.

Starting with teenage incidents...

1. I barfed off a 20 story balcony on the upper east-side and watched as it spread out and showered, with an even mist, at least 20 yuppies.

2. I got caught peeing on the 20th precinct by two detectives, i thought it was a school. thankfully detectives didn't give a shit about misdemeanors back then.

3. Despite never having owned a gun, I once threatened to shoot a bouncer RIGHT as he was about to let me in. actually, to be really honest, i said "this is MY neighborhood (which it wasn't), i live around the corner (which i didn't), i'm gonna go home, get my gat, and pop a CAP in your ass". despite my best Ice-Cube impersonation, the weight and effectiveness of that psychotically worded threat was lost to him, especially when my friend Bask1 stood next to me and laughed the whole time. then Bask1 and I proceeded to get into such a violent wrestling match at the next club that people cleared the room out. time to go home.

4. I poured out a whole 40 ounce on the cast of the movie "Kids" heads because i didn't "like" the way one of them treated his girlfriend. i was on a roof above them, and apparently the guy didn't even have a girlfriend. although to this day i swear i saw him hit a girl.

5. when i was 15, and years away from having a driver's license, I drove my friend's jeep around midtown for 20 minutes. he had mistakenly left the keys in the ignition while he went to pick up his girlfriend. I remember doing it because, after drinking a 40 ounce in about 5 minutes, my friend Half-E convinced me that the cops would give us a ticket for being drunk sitting in a car that was still.

6. I rode on the roof of a car being driven by a guy with no shirt and half a fifth of whiskey in his hand that ended up going off a 6 foot cliff/drop.

7. the next year we did the same thing on an SUV, only without the cliff and it was my friend who fell off this time.

8. I got pulled over in vermont, at 3 am on a country road. my friend was driving the SUV. I was STANDING ON TOP OF IT...SURFING.

9. I once attacked 30 guys with an empty bottle.

10. My friend Self and I, got so drunk that he took a graffiti tag RIGHT IN FRONT of two cops drinking coffee. I ran like a drunken monkey uptown. They were so astounded that they didn't really know what to do with his drunk ass so they told him to fuck off and walk home. Later, when we saw him lurching uptown, I and two others decided to attack him and we ended up in a pitched battle in a big pile of garbage.

11. My friends and I took a bunch of acid, and decided at 2 am that we needed to drive to Rockaway Beach Queens. we made it to the triborough bridge and then the driver, Big Boy, cut off the only other car for miles. it was a pissed of taxi who then smashed his car into ours and nearly spun us off the bridge. then we found two people having sex on the beach and hid so we could watch them. come on, we were 16 years old.

12. I think i might have smoked crack once at a house club in the 80's.

13. In Biarritz France, i drank a jug of wine, got attacked by dogs, woke up under a bench with dog poo on my pants.

14. later on, same trip, passed out in a public park in Pamplona Spain during the running of the bulls, woke up with a man trying to un-lace my boots.

15. At 4am, in sheep's meadow in Central Park, i hallucinated and thought that rats were attacking me. and they were.

16. I fell down the main steps at the Palladium Club (now a huge dorm on 14th street) and took my friends, and about 15 people down with me. In the pile at the bottom, i looked at my friend Ages, and yelled "Dude, watch where you're going!".

College and 20's shenanigans...

1. After a particularly wild party I woke up lying across my front steps, with my keys in my hand and lipstick on my face. Madison, Wisconsin.

2. I woke up under a car with my legs sticking out under the drivers door. ( i guess that was in case the owner wanted to move the car they would trip over me first...i am smart, i think ahead)

3. I got my friend's SUV blocked in behind a frat house at a party. the next day he had his car and i didn't remember how we got it back because we never went inside to find out who blocked us. i walked by the frat house the next day and saw that somebody had driven a truck through all their hedges and torn up their lawn.

4. I woke up in bed, fully clothed. my large window above my bed was smashed, the screen was kicked in and lying under me, and i was getting snowed on by the storm outside.

5. I have a vague memory of a night when Matter and I were walking by a two story outdoor mall. we climbed to the second floor balcony and realized that if we jumped off, right above the awning below, we would bounce off the awning a few feet up and then fall another 12 feet or so into a snow drift. we did that for an hour or so. unless that was a really weird realistic dream.

6. I was dancing with two blond swiss girls at a downtown party, was handed some pills, took them. smacked the DJ for no reason, got kicked out, decided to lie down on the sidewalk on a quiet side street off of Lafayette street. Cortlandt alley to be exact, a no man's land. took off my scratchy Official Patrick Ewing tank top because it was hot and bothersome. proceeded to roll around on the ground, and look up at the stars. got up a few hours later, walked a few blocks, realized i was filthy, shirtless, walletless (it fell out of my baggy pants when i was rolling around) and no cabs were stopping for me. I finally cornered one on a side street and showed him that i had a cell phone and needed help. called my loving incredible sister, who then paid for the cab at 6 am. she gave me a weird look when i got out all half naked and filthy, i said "don't ask". and went to my apartment to sleep it off. she never did ask, god bless her.

7. I got so messed up one new years eve that i left the party to wait by the elevator for no apaarent reason, then i passed out, woke up at 4am. wondered why the party seemed thinned out, and thought my friends were lying to me when they told me how late it was. then i barely remember how i got on a plane to Peru an hour later. still cross-eyed.

8. I decided i wanted a hard boiled egg at 4am. put an egg in the microwave, and blew the door right off.

9. I was living in a brownstone attached to a building by the basements so i could do my laundry there by going underground. i got home wasted one night, realized my blanket was still in the drier, decided to go get it. locked myself out, realized i was only wearing boxers, spent the next 30 minutes sneaking around the maze-like hallways of the attaching basements while the doorman watched on surveillance video a man in his underwear slinking around. my vague memory of that indicates that i was "slinking" because i was lost, and i was scared i would bump into some totally innocent and unprepared female tenant. thankfully the doorman recognized me and didn't call 911. i ended up getting the spare key from him and then, in my drunk state. walked OUT THE FRONT OF THE LOBBY, down the sidewalk, and back into my house...in the cold rain.

10. I dislocated my shoulder, throwing a slice of pizza at someone.

11. in the hamptons, i once woke up in a garbage bin on it's side, under a kitchen table.

12. also in the hamptons, in the country club on the grass tennis courts at 2am. I was smooching a bridesmaid while wearing my step-father's 6k dollar Ungaro tuxedo, when all of a sudden, the sprinkler system went off. at the time i also couldn't get water in my ears, for medical reasons, so i had to run away top speed. taking off like that NEVER looks very manly. especially when i ran straight into the tall fence that borders the courts, face first at top speed. the meshing left an imprint on my mug and chucked me backwards into a skidding, rolling fall. grass, tux, water...bad combo.

I am actually leaving a lot out, just in case i run for President someday...