at 17, i had NO game

this is a pencil tag i did, on acid, in the alps in 1991 when i was 17.

not that i claim to be the game master at the age of 34, but if i think of the differences between me now, and then. it's pretty embarrassing how bad i was. i look at guys in their teens, and even in their 20's and think about how little i knew back then. it's astounding. they seem so sure of themselves. but really, even the best of them is just a bumbling idiot in the world of confident self promotion to the fairer sex.

i took a crazy trip to Europe during my 17th summer. it was one of those trips that got me out into the world for the first time on my own. I eurailed with 3 other 17 year olds all over the european continent. this was before i had even seen pictures of these places. it was a time in my life where i remember my eyes being opened for the first time to this magical planet of different countries. it was a time of flowering knowledge that up to that point had seemed large, but was in fact, very small. i have a map somewhere of the route i took, and it looks like one of those etch-and-sketch doodles done under the influence of some drink or drug. zig-zaging all over the continent without any real rhyme or reason. hey, let's go to Paris, then Cannes, then Belgium, then Italy. it was like, crazy, man. but SO MUCH FUN.

a lot of things were different back then to make things more difficult, like there was no emailing, no cell phones, and no way of getting in touch once out on the road. i had made plans to take a train from Munich to Paris in the hopes that i would find my 3 friends in a small hotel that they claimed to be planning on staying. i got there, found the hotel, and there they were, getting kicked out AS I ARRIVED for making too much of a mess and too much noise. had i shown up an hour or two later, the whole summer would have been me on my own.

another thing that was vastly different back then, was my budget. we all had very little money, as our parents had allowed us the trip on the belief that it wouldn't cost much more then some kind of summer camp. so a portion of the trip was spent sleeping in public parks, under benches, in train stations, on the side of train tracks (which can be VERY surprising when the train rolls through at dawn). i woke up once in Pamplona, in a puddle of my own vomit, with a gypsy unlacing my boots while my friends snored a few feet away. a half hour later, i was in the middle of the running of the bulls, facing the wrong direction when they came barreling towards me. i ended up trying to climp the gates, which spaniards tried to make unclimbable. after a few kicks and punches i managed to escape, barely.

other ways that we saved money was by buying things like canned ravioli, leaving it in the sand next to us on the beach in cannes, a few feet from france's richest vacationers, until it was hot enough to eat with a swiss army knife. now i would probably consider this an experience reserved for the homeless, but to us at that age, it was pure adventure. we were purists about adventure too. one of us snuck a bunch of acid tabs on the trip so we did things like ferried out to an island off the coast of southern france where there was a wildlife preserve. we took acid and explored the island, finding a rocky coastline that turned out to be a perfect day spent floating in the water, finding marine life that freaked us out, and blasting Stan Getz Samba through my large headphones. the simplicity and cheapness had no effect on how completely awesome and overwhelming the experiences were. later that week we took a train along the coast, that was awe inspiring. the train was a local and went from small coastal towns along the cliff ridden coastline, through tunnels and right along the water. the door was one of those old, handled doors that you could open even when the train was moving. so, of course i opened it and spent most of the ride hanging out mostly outside of the moving train balanced on the last hanging step. i can't really explain how cool that ride was for me.

we did retarded things like, again, starting off with a hit of acid, and then hiking out of Interlaken Switzerland and heading straight up into the mountains without a map or a clue. there was one point where Left and I were so high on acid, and so high above the clouds and the town that we were looking DOWN on some eagles circling for prey wondering if we were eagles in disguise. we were also brought quick humility when we were completely out of breath and worried that we had climbed too far, when all of a sudden two 80 year old swiss guys JOGGED passed our perch on the side of a random mountain trail and just waved to us non-chalantly.

we got attacked by wild dogs in Biarritz when we were drunk. i guess i used my foot to kick at them because the next day i had dog shit all over my pants from kicking them in the asses as they ran away. we were surrounded by the citizen subway police of Budapest and argued in two languages with them until a passerby explained to us that the fine for riding the train without a pass was just a measly 50 cents. we got kicked out of several hotels for one reason or another, usually late night when finding a new place was impossible. we stayed in a castle near Florence and crashed two mopeds more then 7 times. one of the crashes had me flying off the back, grabbing Left, who had been driving, and using his body as a sled across the polished ancient stones of the piazza. that got the attention of hundreds of italians who jumped up to see the commotion. we got bed bugs and other dirt related issues. basically we rocked all over the place like led zeppelin without a tour bus.

but the reason i bring this trip up was that despite being in the prime of our lives, despite being bronzed from the sun and totally free to do whatever we felt like doing. we were completely unable to score any girls. i was such a clueless wonder back then. i remember back to that day we were feasting on canned ravioli when a perfectly proportioned pair of girls, about our age, sat less then 5 feet in front of us on the beach. it was on purpose too since the rich people of cannes had seen our ravioli feast and had given us enough space on the beach to allow these girls at least a 15 foot barrier between us, but they sat almost on top of us. they were clearly talking about us as they removed their bikini tops, and then they frolicked in the water right next to us when we went in to cool of our over-heated parts. NONE OF US SAID A WORD TO THEM. this is what i mean by gameless. they wanted us to say something, even if it was in english. even if all we could say was that the water was blue and their eyes were too. but we didn't have the courage. it's embarrasing to even think about in retrospect.

then there was the swiss girls in Paris who were talking to us even though we were tongue tied foolios. they kept on giving us chances to redeem ourselves until one of us felt left out and proceeded to throw a temper tantrum. not surprisingly, that resulted in us being left alone again to play amongst ourselves. then there was the 24 year old college student studying abroad who was clearly into me. we were sharing a train compartment and the two of us were having a relatively good conversation. until i stupidly admited that i was 11 years old when i saw Duran Duran on their Reflex tour in Madison Square Garden. she had been 18 for that very same concert. doh!

then there was the 4 swedish girls who were taking a liking to me when we ended up sharing a coed room in a hostel in Amsterdam. but the second night, after hours of over indulging myself with belgian waffles, chocolate milkshakes, and raw herring, i came home just before dawn, drunk and ridiculously high, and proceeded to morph into the girl from the Exorcist. the girls asked me how my night had gone, and i just lurched towards the communal sink to suddenly, and violently fill it to the rim with Amsterdam junk food from my stomach. the sounds i made were of the order of satan being doused by a fire hose. to put a cherry on top i then reached into the sludge and worked it by hand down the drain before passing out on the toilet. another one bites the dust.

we were clearly the anti-studs. the woman folk of europe had no idea what hit them. i even tried to intercept my highschool girlfriend Elizabeth by calling her mom in NYC to find out where to find her. Elizabeth had opted out of going to college right out of highschool and instead was living with a family somewhere in northern Europe. her mom said on the phone, well, i thought she said "Elizabeth's in the hotel Nantes, in Brussels". so i split from my crew and went north to Brussels. i combed the town for a hotel Nantes. it was to no avail. apparently she was in the hotel Brussels, IN Nantes, France. another smooth move. at least i got a break from my friends and saw Belgium on my own before meeting them in Amsterdam. but as far as romance was concerned, NADA.