Regret

an oil painting i did in 1993. thats me on the descent.

i think i have always been dealing with regret in one form or another. i regret the loss of certain relationships in my life. i regret ever having had some relationships. i regret things i did in anger. i regret things i did in lust. i regret not having done things when i should have. it's really amazing when i think about it. it's the Yang of the Yin in my thoughts, and it gets almost half of my time. is it some kind of inner quality control? does regret sharpen my sense of what i want for the next event? does it have the ability to improve me in some way? i get the funny feeling that it really doesn't. i can regret a memory in one line of thought, and then celebrate the very same memory in another. it just depends on what the line of thought actually was, and how i was supporting it by referencing that memory.

it seems to be just a way to make me feel anything. it dramatizes and creates that subtle pressure or pull on my chest that i find more enjoyable then the total lack of any sensation. like regret is better then nothing. i'd rather mourn something then not care that it was gone. its almost as if i CREATE regret by molding it in my mind. because regret never has the whole story. regret sees events only as it wants. it won't ever admit that i did things for many complex reasons. its always "THIS IS WHAT YOU LOST BY DOING THAT". regret is as picky about it's facts as today's media. it's all about the spin, the hype, the emotional toll.

as is happiness and affirmation, actually. even when i consider those events and actions that i get joy from, i have to be aware that the joy needs to make basic generalizations, it needs to not see the full picture to celebrate itself so completely without allowing regret to creep in and remind it of the things it is overlooking. maybe that's what makes life important to me. its a place to feel everything. the roller coaster ride. the higher the peaks, the deeper the canyons, the more i'm going to want to try it again when its over.