How mooning some girls in highschool got me out of BIG trouble

My grade in high school was, for many reasons, legendary in our school's history as being one of the worst behaved classes ever. we basically ruined any tradition by orchestrating such devious deeds that the grade behind was told that they would not be enjoying events like the senior trip to Rye Playland, or the trip to the theatre, because we had done so many wicked things that the school had retracted the event for years following.

With this in mind, we planned, as our final act, a huge food fight. it was too take place in the century old cafeteria that had, as of yet, never been so defiled. it was to happen in one of the last days of our classes senior reign and it would be legendary. especially since our school was one of those places with a real social conscience. we were taught constantly about how lucky we were in this unfair world, and that basically there were people starving in Africa while we worried about what ivy school we were going to go to.

it took several people to get the event orchestrated and it was very eagerly anticipated by me and my friends. it was going to be kicked off by my friend Andy, the guy who shared my fart on the train experience. a guy who was very into being bad, but never got all that much chance to do it. one time he was sitting with us on a stoop in the city. we were doing absolutely nothing, maybe drinking a beer or maybe we had taken a marker tag earlier. but really nothing that cops care about. when a cop car passed us. they slowed down a bit to give us a look. at that moment Andy took off in the opposite direction at top-football-star-warp speed, and made a turn going up Columbus avenue. well, the cops peeled out in reverse, did a 90 degree skid out into Columbus and then proceeded to race AGAINST traffic after him. needless to say, they caught his ass. gave him a few lumps for running and then let him go once they realized the only thing he had done was panicked for no good reason.

he also was the type who was so intense about doing something that once, when we were playing tackle football in our very small wrestling room. he ran for a touchdown, with a broken arm in a cast, so fast, that he couldn't stop his momentum on the other end. he smashed so hard into the wall that his body left a deep imprint in the thick drywall. had one leg in the air and a round indentation where the football was. quite an awesome sight.

well, he was going to finally get the chance to really do something bad by walking out onto the balcony above the cafeteria, scream FOOD FIGHT, and toss the first load of mashed potatoes. it was going to be a historical event (with historical consequences, no doubt)

so this leads me to where i was when the whole thing went down. earlier that day i had been hanging out in the senior lounge, a room where we could hang out unmolested and play our mini Nintendo Gameboys. at some point some girls in my grade had sat near us and started complaining that we were too loud. well i guess i had to be the one to tell them off. one thing led to another, and somewhere in the argument my pants dropped and my bare ass was shown to them. i thought i had made my point very concisely and with eloquence. apparently they didn't. what came next was a trip to the dean's office. par usual. i had a chair with my name on it in that office.

so i get the usual lecture, by this point my dean just rolls his eyes, looks at the calender and says, "can you just keep your pants on for another week?!?!". i think i smiled and promised i would. and he noticed it was lunch time. to my horror, he tells me he is hungry and will walk with me down the hall to the cafeteria and make sure i don't get into any trouble before lunch.
i nodded, not knowing how i was going to have fun in the food fight if he's walking there with me. i looked at my watch and saw that it was about T minus 2 minutes.

so we walk slowly to the cafeteria. it was insanely slow, and i was crawling out of my skin. i could tell that i might miss the funnest event in a while. i notice that there are an unusual amount of people in the cafeteria. clearly people are there who's lunch period isn't at that time, but they weren't going to miss it for the world.

its basically right at the moment that me and the dean step into the cafeteria that i hear, from the rafters, "FOOD FIGHT" and some mashed potatoes rains down just in front of where the two of us are standing. the next thing that happens will never be forgotten by me. the room literally explodes with food. like as if a powerful set of sprinklers had just been turned on all at once. condiments, beverages, entrees, and desserts flying in every direction, including ours. i cover my head with my arms and turn to the Dean and shrug.

"Mr Whitman, I had NOTHING to do with this. can i go now?"

Andy almost didn't go to college because of that, and other people received some stiff punishments. meanwhile Moony McMoonerson over here (ME) was totally innocent of any wrongdoing. my Alibi? my Dean. and yet another reason i have to appreciate my own rosy ass.