don't eat Uni on a first date.

i have ten minutes to write this post before i go see a free showing of Kung Fu Panda with my studio. i will just try to cut to the car chase.

it was several years ago and i was on a first date with a girl whom i had a interest in for for years. she was partially Japanese so i wanted to impress her with my joy of sushi and the knowledge stemming from that. i ended up ordering two things of negiri uni. not many people like Uni so i knew it would be an impressive way to show my appreciation and open mined way of eating. i happen to love the slimey stuff almost as much as i love raw oysters.

of course, on this particularly important night, the uni didn't sit well with me. but i was unaware of that fact for a while and i managed to impress her enough to get her back to my place after dinner. we were in the middle of some light necking when all of a sudden i knew the uni wanted out. it wanted out and wasn't going to wait for the 30 feet it would take for me to get to my bathroom. it came all of a sudden like a huge wave. i panicked a bit but noticed that i had my window open and it was right behind us.

i spun around and let loose the devil inside right out the window. everything would have been fine, since out the window was my backyard and i knew it would be easy to hose down later on.
unfortunately for me and my game, i had closed the screen to keep out mosquitoes. so the screen acted like a filter for the larger food pieces that tried to make there way between the small grid spaces. basically, the "wet" parts flew outside in a sort of vomitous mist, while the gross, chunky chunks stuck to the screen and then started to fall onto my window sill.

i looked at her and saw a pure expression of horror. she didn't run though, mostly out of sympathy i think.

i was completely humiliated and the only thing i could think of doing to brute force the situation into some kind of lesser catastrophe, was to bring my high powered hose into my living room. i dragged it in from the outside and pointed it at the screen. then i just started spraying everything. of course some of it ended up dripping back into my living room and onto the varnished wood floor. it was one of those situations that just kept on spiraling downwards, i really should have paid attantion to that bad luck omen because thats basically the way that relationship went.

needless to say, avoid high risk food on a first date, or leave your screens open.