I'm sorry i slandered you...

It was Half-E's fault. But I am sorry about it.

It was 1993, I was living in LA for a summer during college and I couldn't get a job for the life of me. I was sharing a place with my home slice, Half-E on Sepulveda Boulevard and Venice Boulevard in Culver City. It was one of those all inclusive communities. The kind that has a pool, a gym, a tennis court, a bunch of grills (which we used almost instead of our kitchen), and an underground garage. our neighbors ranged from totally gangsta too completely euro tourists because the leases were short and the furniture came with the units. Actually, there was a shoot out there and it was on the news when Half-E was at home watching tv. He was like, "Uhh, that's HERE!"

Anyways, I needed a job and was busy thinking about that fact over a 40 Ounce and a blunt, when the phone suddenly rang. Half-E answered it. I heard the conversation turn strange immediately. Basically, a guy was claiming to be a reporter who had been given his name and number. To give a little background to the story, this was around the time that the whole Young girl dating Seinfeld story was a big deal, since she was 17 and all (albeit a very mature 17, probably more so then Seinfeld at the time). Half-E just happened to be her ex-boyfriend and we were all pretty good friends.

So the reporter had snooped her trail far back enough to find out about her ex-boyfriends. I guess the angle was to find a boyfriend who Seinfeld had pushed aside in grabbing her up at the meadow one day. Half-E was drunk and gave an honest answer that he wasn't her boyfriend at the time when she met Seinfeld. the reporter said he was disappointed because he would have paid for a scoop if he were. So my quick thinking roomy looked at me and said "would you pay me if i told you who was?!"

Apparently, the reporter said yes and offered him 350 bucks for the info. So Half-E agreed and said "Here he is, my roommate Zen2!". and he handed me the phone.

At this point we are both giggling and basically not believing the realness of the reporter. he claimed that he was calling from the Globe in Florida and I was like "uh-huh, whatever. how much for my story?"

"350 dollars?", he offered.

"You got it!" I said. so i went on and on about how i loved her and that bastard Seinfeld stole her from me. The reporter was literally goading the story out of me. He would say "So, did you want to punch him in his nose?!"

A thouroughlydrunk and high me was all, "Word! punch his nose. I hate that f'er!". The idea that i might be slandering my roomate's ex by claiming that we were a couple and threatening an A-list star publicly never really occurred to me in my foggy state. Remember, I didn't even believe that this guy was for real.

I got through my story of bullshit and then the guy asked for our address. I gave it to him since back then, I was fearless and ready for whatever came. Well, 30 minutes later the doorbell rang. I went to the door and opened it. It was a guy with like 10 cameras around his neck. I looked at Half-E and realized the mistake we had just made. This shit was FOR REAL.

I grabbed Half-E and pulled him right next to me for the photos, my last ditch effort to kaybash the whole deal was to say that the photographer and the reporter had mistaken who I was and who my roommate was. At that point in time, I was unaware of the magic of photoshop.

3 days later i got a call from my grandma. She had just seen me on the news. I was in the NY Post, all the news channels, the Star , and of course, the Globe. in the Globe there was a picture of me looking all confused and the blurb was "Jilted Teen Wants To Punch Seinfeld!!". I spent the rest of the summer waiting for the subpoena for the slander trial.

Thankfully, Half-E's ex-girlfriend thought it was as funny as we did. I saw her on the street a month later and we had a laugh about it. She's actually a very smart and funny person, so she was probably the best person i could have slandered that i know of.

but still, SOWWIES.