BBQ Sauce I.E.D.

I know i probably shouldn't bring this one up if i don't want to make my girlfriend mad at me, but it was just too funny not to talk about. She was the victim of a bbq sauce mishap the likes of which i had never thought possible.

It was yesterday and we decided to go to the Big Apple BBQ Festival in Madison Square Park with two old bros of mine, Debt and Matter. It was a brutally hot day so we decided to go late in the day to miss most of the hot sun. It turned out to be a great idea, the pulled pork, the brisket, the ribs were all unbelievably juicy and the heat made the cold beer extra good. i had BBQ'ed the day before so this was a nice solid follow up. i think i had a 15,000 calorie weekend, that's just how i roll. i still smell like smoked bbq sauce, actually. but not as much as my lady friend must.

She was the unfortunate casualty of a horrible BBQ sauce malfunction. We had just bought two servings of Ribs from Blue Smoke and had made our way to the BBQ sauce and napkins table. I was a few people over from my girlfriend because she had forged ahead to get some napkins. Suddenly there was a loud pop noise and i hear a guy go "what the fuck?!". well, i look to my left to see what the commotion was, and was faced with a rather gory vision. bright red sauce, looking all too much like blood was EVERYWHERE.

at the epicenter of the explosion was the guy who must have been squeezing a plastic BBQ sauce bottle a bit too hard for the bottle to take. maybe some wise guy had partially unscrewed the top so somebody would squeeze it and the top would fly off. who knows, all i could say was that he looked like a bomb victim, or like one of the steaks on the grill completely covered in sauce. a once white shirt looked like his guts had exploded outward and he was busy wiping the stuff out of his eyes.

ranging out from the epicenter was another guy, the one who yelled actually, and unfortunately, my girlfriend. i thought for a second that she was unharmed, that the blast had been shielded by the other two guys. she looked upset but pretty clean. until she turned around and i saw that her whole left side was covered in the hot sticky red stuff. it was like that scene in the Sixth Sense where the kid who accidentally shot himself in the head walks across the room. you think he's normal and fine, until he turns to reveal a bloody mess of a wound on the other side of his head. well it was like that with my girl, the sauce was dripping from her earrings, her hair, her fair skin all the way down her legs to her shoes. covered. the only reason i don't have a picture of the scene was because the camera was in her purse, which was evenly slathered in sauce too. it would have been grounds for dismissal had i asked for the camera at that point. it was bad enough that i was laughing!

In retrospect, i was in the middle of needing sauce. i was standing there like a dumb ass, nowhere to put my juicy succulent ribs. so what i should have done was simply wipe the ribs on her. that would have been classy, efficient, and green.

After about 300 napkins wipes, she started looking human again. she cleans up very nicely ;)